Wowzers! Some sort of 14^th century plague (not Covid) found its way through my immune system a couple of weeks ago, and right along with it came a healthy dose of guilt, and shame.  Why guilt, and shame? Is this normal, or is this just me? I did find some consolation by doing a quick google search and learning that “sick day guilt” is actually a common affliction. Let’s talk about this! 

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why, when our bodies need to heal the most, do we allow emotions like guilt, and shame, to intrude on our healing process? Is it the expectation to produce and perform instilled in, or forced upon, us from Capitalism? Is it fear of job insecurity? Is it because the US offers so little protection, or a financial safety net, for those that need time off? Perhaps it comes from theological systems rooted in individual salvation through “works”? Is it only individualistic societies that suffer this demise? Are these maladaptive behaviors unique to the United States? Western civilization?

Guilt vs Shame

First things first, even though I am using the terms “guilt and shame” simultaneously, they are very different creatures. Guilt is a response that can be beneficial in helping us to realize that something is askew and may need to be rebalanced. Shame, on the other hand is almost always maladaptive. In a 2013 blog post, renown speaker, professor, and author Brené Brown defined shame as, “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” She goes on to state, “I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive.” I wholeheartedly agree with Brené. I tossed and turned through four decades on this planet before realizing how much of a driving factor shame had been in my life. Most days, I can recognize when that old “friend” tries to creep back into my psyche, but when I am sick, my defenses are down, and my emotional regulation is hindered, and those shame gremlins have a way of showing up to party. Bottom line, when I’m sick, I’ve come to recognize the importance of putting guilt, and shame, in a little box to be dealt with once my immune system has completed its work. It’s difficult to deal with our mental health when our physical health in compromised (and vice-versa!)

OCD Feeds the Guilt and Shame

For me, it’s especially important to recognize the part that OCD plays in my processing of guilt and shame. With OCD comes an overwhelming sense of responsibility. It’s the root of OCD. The amygdala of the OCD brain is in a constant state of flight or fright and is always looking for the path of certain safety. But it can never find it. It can never find it because the neural connections just aren’t there. So, the OCD brain obsesses, and obsesses, indefinitely. When that 14^th century plague attacks me, my defenses, and my OCD management techniques, are diminished. This makes it much more difficult for me to remember that I am not solely responsible for keeping the world in revolution around the sun. For example, if I don’t clean the house, because I am sick, my OCD brain can become quite certain that my family will get a brain eating amoeba. Or if I am not making the family’s meals, my OCD brain can decide that my family will suffer malnutrition and make their immune systems shut down, which of course will lead to a greater chance of the brain eating amoeba getting to them. And then, oh my gosh, my household will have become a breeding ground for brain eating amoebae that are going to decimate the mammalian population of the Earth! I realize to most of you this sounds like hyperbole, but I can assure you that this is a very real path that an OCD brain can take. Most of us can recognize the unlikeliness of this type of apocalyptic event, but the OCD brain can easily get trapped in these repetitive thought ruminations. All of this to say, when I am sick, and my OCD defense mechanisms are suppressed, it is very easy for the guilt and shame of failing myself, failing my family, and failing the whole of society to become front and center of my thoughts. But, there are also societal factors that play into this.

Societal Influences on Guilt and Shame

The United States is built on individualism, “endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” From the very beginning of our country, individual rights were holy ground. This ideology is still prevalent today as our government representatives spend a significant amount of their time legislating for individual rights, rather than the rights of the collective. Then there is the beast of capitalism. Is it a good economic system? Oftentimes yes, but it is not without some serious deficiencies. Among those deficiencies is that capitalism reinforces the success of the individual at any cost, especially of our neighbor. Capitalism in rooted in “private” ownership. Adding strength and emphasis to the motives of the US government, and capitalism, are the religious beliefs of the country. Most religious denominations in the United States are doctrinally based in “individual” salvation and “personal” relationships with God. On top of that, some of those faith systems depend on doing “works” as the method of getting right with God. Would God’s grace cover me for a few days off while I heal? This can be a question of great concern for some people within these religious influences.

What Do We Do with Sick Day Guilt

The first step is to ignore it. Make the chicken noodle soup, make the tea, find a good book, or favorite TV show, and rest. Once you are in your happy place, (and this might not be until you are feeling a LOT better), you can start to work on processing any feelings of guilt, or shame, that you are experiencing. Sit with those feelings and recognize them for what they are. Those feelings are you, trying to take care of you. It doesn’t mean those feelings are right, or wrong, they are just feelings. Lean into positive self-talk. Reaffirm to yourself that you are worthy, and good. Give yourself a pat on the back for a victory, large or small, that you had in the last week or two. Enjoy thoughts of thanksgiving for your body, and brain, that are taking care of you. Give thanks for the chicken noodle soup in your cupboard, and the book next to your tea.

It’s not easy to take time off in today’s culture, but your physical and mental health will appreciate the time that you can give to it to heal. Especially when you can give it time without the weight of guilt and shame.

If guilt and shame, for any reason, are frequent visitors to you and your life, check in with a mental health professional. Your brain, your body, and you deserve it! Be well my friends.